Theory and Theology of Friendship

In light of my last posts, I figure it would be more productive to start writing a few essays in order to address my view toward friendship and dating. I would like to approach the topic from its inherent relationship to theology and religion. My discussion - like so many others before it - follows Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body. I have also taken a lot of philosophy of friendship from C.S. Lewis' The Four Loves. This topic of friendship and dating is a topic that I think interests everyone regardless of age, state in life, or even future plans.

The reality of friendship goes back to the very beginning of humanity. Now, before we go into the whole creationism debate, the point of the creation story is to portray the purpose, role, and basic nature of our existence as human beings. The scientific details can be left to a different discussion. God said, "It is not good for man to be alone." He of couse did not mean just males, but that a person should not have to be alone. Therefore, God created Eve to be a friend, companion and spouse to Adam. Throughout history, many great poets and philosophers have addressed the issue of fiendship. One particular perspective that stands out to me is from Aristotle.

What is friendship? I would like to take Aristotle's definition: "Without friends, no one would choose to live though he had all other goods." And so, friendship contributes to one's happiness and well being. He continues, "Frienship is a relationship of affection that occurs between two human persons, who have the maturity to bear some kind of good will toward one another." This long passage says four main things: There is affection, there are human persons, and there is maturity and good will.

Let's examine each of these four areas separately. Not all kinds of affections lead to true friendships. So, there are three main types of affections: there is the pleasant, the useful, and the virtuous. The first type, pleasant friendship, is what you might call "having a good time with a friend." Someone you have a lot of fun spending time with fits into this category or someone that makes us laugh, etc. Whenever we have a good time with someone, it is a pleasant friendship. This is good, but it's not enough. Then there is this useful friendship. Whenever our friendship revolves around some sort of benefit. An example of this is a study partner. I give him/her something and I get something back. Teammates also fit into this catagory. These friendships keep us on track and offer us something that we benefit from. These two types of friendships are important. Actually most friendships begin on this level. But they lack two main characteristics. The first is that the friend is not loved for his or her own sake. Secondly, the friend is not loved for who he or she is. If you will, these two friendships are concerned more with what am I going to get out of this friendship - in terms of pleasure or benefit. Therefore, Aristotle calls these two types of friendships incidental. This term is in the sense that these forms are below some sort of higher standard. These friendships are not bad by any means but they are meant to be brought to a higher level.

The years of college are the years where you will develop the most important friendships of you lives up to now. Aristotle tells us that there is a third level of friendship that we are all called to achieve. He says:

"Those who wish well to their friends for the other's sake are most truely friends for they do this by reason of the other's nature and not incidentally. This friendship is substantial." So, true friendship is therefore experienced when a person has the good of the other in mind. This means it goes way beyond our personal fulfillment. As usual, every time we leave something lower for something higher, in some ways when we look back we will find that the lower part also followed us. So, if we start to look for friendships for the good of the person, then inevitably pleasure and benefits will come; not because they were persued as the ultimate goal in the first place, but they follow.

There is a saying that I like "Immature love says, 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says, 'I need you because I love you.'" So, everytime we act immaturely we act based on our need. This isn't bad (as in immoral) but it's not the greatest. We persue need the other person because of love of the other person, we seek first their good. This saying effectively sums up what is meant by the distinction between the incidental and substantial. We're all on a journey. We can all say at some point, "I have a mature relationship here, but in these other relationships there is some immaturity. There is not a clear cut solution, but that is where we are all called. There is also a passage in scripture that adds very well to this topic.

"Let love be sincere. Avoid what is evil. Hold on to what is good. Love one another with mutual affection. Anticipate one another in showing honor."

Upon this foundation of friendship, can true and fruitful flourish.

More to come as always... eventually.

May God Bless you always.

-T.J.B