Theory and Theology of Friendship Pt. 2 - The Cure of Insomnia

I realize that this type of treatise is not a lot of fun to read. I will try my best to keep it useful and upbeat. Again, I owe credit of mostly all of this information to the His Holiness John Paul II and to biblical and early Greek writers.

To summarize my last post: We were talking about the difference between virtuous and convenient friendships. No friendship is bad. Some are just more mature than others. The friendship we seek to cultivate in all of our relationships should be that in which a friend loves another for his or her own benefit, and wants to see that person's good achieved.

You can see more details pertaining to the philosophical discussion of friendship in the previous post. Now that we have covered a very basic foundation, I would like to move onto the more practical insights. Friendships requires time, freedom, selflessness, and noble goals. It takes time to develop a friendship. So often we jump into friendships and it's all we talk about and then within a month or two we find that relationship stale and not novel anymore. How many times do we dive into friendships and keep pushing or pulling them along faster than they should go, expecting much of our friend or giving too much before it is really appropriate? Friendships need patience. We cannot make them go faster.

A second thing we need to realize about friendships is that friendships require freedom. True friendships are not possessive. Rather they foster freedom. They seek the good of the other person first and foremost. Playing mind games is very detrimental to a relationship, but how many times do we do that? We are manipulative. Women can be manipulative, but so can men. Usually it happens between people of the opposite sex. Whenever we hold onto a friend in this way, we are stifling their spiritual and emotional growth and therefore stifling the growth of the relationship. I recently attended a lecture on sexual and domestic abuse. The lecturer told stories and gave numerous examples of how such mind games are used intentionally to gain control of a person and to cause them harm. Hopefully in the cases I am referring to in our personal lives the mechanism is far less intentional and far less harmful.

Friendships require selflessness. They require sacrifice, compromise, unconditional love, and common sense. It takes a lot of time, energy, and effort to build a friendship. If you will, it takes a talented artist great effort to make a great sculpture, but it takes one act of stupidity to break it. It takes years or months to build a true friendship. But it takes only a wrong word, attitude, not being there when someone needs you... only a little bit to destroy a friendship. Incidental friendships are more likely to disappear because needs fade and the friendships are not worth preserving. But virtuous friendships go beyond these difficulties.

A true friendship is oriented toward what is good. A true friend is always seeking for the highest goal. Bad company corrupts good morals (1 Corinthians 15). Every time a friend encourages one to do something that is evil, then he or she is falling short of his or her role. Now, there is a difference between an accident and a pattern. We all make mistakes once in a while. Whenever that happens, we just need to ask for forgiveness and commit to the relationship. If we make this a habit, we need to re-evaluate the friendship. We need to realize what is at stake. Jesus said, "No one has a greater love than this; to lay down his life for his friend." That is the goal we must have in mind.

We need to realize that friendship is a two way street. Love can be a one way street. This is what I mean: Friendship requires reciprocity. I cannot be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with me. Love is an act of our will. I am called to love even my enemies, but I am not called to be loved back. So, although friendship requires love, it goes a little bit further in that it requires something back. It is in our power to decide whether we want to pursue a friendship or not. We also must also respect the fact that others may make the same decisions with respect to us. As hurtful as it is to be rejected we need to know that we cannot force a friendship on anybody.

Now that I have written quite extensively (if I may say so) on friendship, I would like in the future to write about dating/marriage. It actually flows quite naturally from this discussion. In a way, marriage is the utmost fulfillment of friendship.

God bless, as always.

-T.J.B